November 16, 2005 - Wassup with that?

What is the complete and utter fascination with football? Why is it amusing to watch something for four hours straight where a bunch of people who get paid too much for tackling each other?
Why is it a big deal not to go to the so-called "big game"?

Also, why on earth are people so good at making me feel guilty for not going? gah.

I don't particularly enjoy football. Now, don't think I don't admire athletes. Sports is a good motivation for people to stay healthy. And there are really great scholarship opportunities. And athletes really learn time management and responsibility. But why is football so much more important then say-I don't know- the freakin future of the United States?? If people cared as much about football as last year's Presidential race, who knows what would have happened?

Argh.

November 3, 2005- Day I couldn't think of a title

First a note: I memorized the entire To Be or Not to Be soliloquoy for my Shakespeare class. Hopefully, I can remember it for a long time.

Also I did it. I changed my major. I'm a History major now. I feel better that now it is official. I am excited and scared at the same time though. I think it will be good for me though, I like learning about other cultures and people from the past who made a big impact on today's world. And also a chance to improve writing skills. My math skills are perfectly fine. College is supposed to be a time for learning new things and I want to learn how to write well. Hopefully through the History major I can accomplish that.

Things are looking up a little bit. Sometime in my grade panicking, I forgot to take a step back and realize that teachers are people. If you tell them about your concerns, they actually care. They don't want you to fail. They just want you to try your best. So with that note, I might actually have a chance of passing those aforementioned classes.

I finally get to go home. It's been a month since the last time! My sister is doing a cooool dance to some jammin Telugu songs for the annual Diwali party:-). I got a little part too. Unfortunately, I will be learning it tomorrow night. But luckily, I have my handy dandy dance memorization skills.

HAPPY DIWALI AND EID MUBARAK!!

October 29, 2005 - To Be or Not To Be

To be or not to be; that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep-
No more, and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to- 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life,
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of disprized love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would these fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pit and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. Soft you, now,
The fair Ophelia- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

-Hamlet III.i. 58-92

He says it all.

October 21, 2005: Bad Karma

I think someone once said the best life to live is one with no regrets. Be positive that every decision that you made is some stepping stone to where you will end up in life; it's part of your destiny. etcetera.

bullshit.

i pretty much regret my whole college experience. I'm pretty sure I haven't really made an impact on anyone. I should have gone to GMU, saved my family a bundle of money because I also had gotten a scholarship. I could have double majored in Graphic Design & Communications. I could actually be happy instead of confused as hell.

I should have known from the moment I got into UVa. Everything that I expected and hoped for didn't happen. That's why I LIVE by Jonathan Swift's quote: "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."

The very first thing that went wrong is I got the worst housing possible. I didn't get the first year dorms, I will never ever say that I had the first year experience. Because I lived so far away, I made no close friendships. For the first time in my life, I took to just being alone as my only option. I never counted on anyone. It was definitely an enlightening experience.

I was looking forward to being on the dance team soooo much; Neha hyped me up for it. But I didn't make Sharaara (the dance team). That was embarassing and they made it tenfolds worse by sending me this rejection letter that told me everything I did wrong!!!

I didn't get to participate in India Day. However, I did get to dance at Kennedy Center. So that one's ok.

Blehhhhh...don't know anymore....

P.S. Don't be alarmed. The point of this is to complain. If I was too busy being happy why the heck would I write in this?

October 16, 2005- One Big Question Mark

My current major:
Financial Math

Intended major as of Spring 2005:
Financial Math with French Minor

Reason for changing major:
Don't want to sit at a desk looking at compiling 5000 statistics to make a financial model trying to predict the market. I think I would cry or die of complete boredom. But I still like Math.

Future Options with classes already taken:
Basic Math Concentration with French Minor
Double Major Basic Math Concentration and French
History Major South Asian concentration with Math minor
" " " " " with French minor
Religious Studies Hinduism/Buddhism concentration " Math or French Minor
Economics??

Ridiculously Optimistic Option:
Basic Math and French double major with History minor (or some mutilated form of that)

Yikes. Shoot me now.

October 11, 2005 Failing

I'm failing my two math classes. Not Indian failing (means a B or C). Failing failing like an F.

This is bad.

I don't want to be a math major anymore. I reached my math limit (literally). I only like Calculus and Differential Equations. Everything beyond that sucks. At least I know what I want to change it to. It has to be French because it's the only other program I have pursued as much as Math. How pathetic have I become that I'm just trying to pass out of college. College sucks. Life sucks.

::whimper::

The problem with the French major is it isn't "practical". What kind of job can I get with that? I know that I think I want to be an elementary school teacher, guidance counselor, web design, or graphic design. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

September 16, 2005- Inspecteur Maigret

Bonjour tout le monde!
This semester I'm taking French 345: Culture and Society. It's just my luck that we are reading mysteries :-). Who knew there was this whole mystery series that I was totally oblivious of?? They are all written by a French author Georges Simenon. We have just finished reading Le Chien Jaune. It was quite good. Proud of myself that I guessed who le coupable was. Can't wait to read the rest of his novels! Simenon has quite an interesting life and writing style. Prior to starting the novel, we read some of his short stories and articles. They were simple stories nonetheless there is an element of realism to them. They aren't hard to believe. Probably that's why he is very popular and well-read. Being the book person I am I'm glad that I stumbled across his writings:-).

September 2, 2005- The Red Tent

Hmmm...1.5 weeks since classes started. Going alright, as usual days going fast. But you see I came early because I had to get advisor training. None of my roomies were here so I had the whole apartment to myself. I borrowed an "International Bestseller" The Red Tent and ooooh couldn't put it down. What a dramatic twist in the second half. Totally unexpected. From a big, happy family to one person...estranged. I don't get it one stupid mistake and you're never supposed to talk to them again. Stupid traditions and only marrying within your race, culture, etc... I definitely recommend it though. Makes you think.

On a totally different note, I watched the 40 year-old virgin. Oh dear. Funny but as usual crude funny. feel good though that he married and was clean. perhaps he can be an inspiration:-P.

August 9, 2005 -Choices

I know I am a Harry Potter geek for quoting Dumbledore, but something he said in the second book clicked.

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are... it is our
choices."

That's good to know and all, but why do I feel I make a lot of wrong ones? If my choices show who I am...oh man. It's terrible to dwell on the mistakes, but I can't help it. I feel pathetic right now. I just hope that my sister can learn not to make the same ones I did. Perhaps, my choices can be an example of what not to do.

Jul 29, 2005- At Work

I've been book deprived since I read Harry Potter. I've been feeding off of the newspaper, Sepia Mutiny, any magazine I can get my hands on. We get Reader's Digest, Entertainment Weekly, National Geographic. Quite a variety now that I think about it. So I need to go to the library, return the ones I have and ahem pay the fine that I have and possibly get new ones. Perhaps tomorrow.
I am an idealistic person. It is hard for me to stomach hardship and when I hear about someone else's hardship, I feel all guilty about the petty things I worry about. In fact, I get all confused. It is important to not be ignorant of what's going on, but there is a limit because a person could get all depressed.
Countdown 4 weeks till 3rd year of college starts again. I'm not sure if I am excited or not. I'm actually more frightened. I didn't do so hot academic-wise last year. No I don't mean waah I got B's, I'm talking a leetle lower in the next letter- aack. I have to do better. With the other things to do I HAVE to learn how to balance it all. Hopefully I can.
I still feel bad that I didn't get on the dance team at UVa. But you know why I never tried out again, they scarred me man by sending this looong rejection letter that begin wow you have great expression buttttt....... Anyhow maybe I'll try again. But I'm afraid I won't have enough time. But I want to dance. Hmmm maybe I'll try out just to see if I can get on it the second time around. If not, no harm done.
Ok listening to new Telugu songs, so I'll be off in that world for a while.

July 17, 2005- post hp & hbp

WARNING: spoilers ahead

i'm so sad. how could they kill him? he was the next person harry trusted the most, the only one voldemort ever feared. i cried when i read that line, i just always assumed he was going to be there. i didn't think rowling would kill him off because he needed to be there. I know that Dumbledore has said several times that there are things worse than death. Actually in the very first book when he told Harry that Flamel was going to destroy the sorcerer's stone, he said

"To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

I think what bothers me the most about his death is his murderer. I never liked Snape, but one always wishes like Anne Frank says that people can have a little good in them. But Snape betrayed a man that trusted him unquestionably. I was secretly hoping the whole time that Snape was fooling all the Death Eaters, that he really was on the Order's side. But now that I think about it, he mistreated Harry so much and was just too nice to Slytherins. Snape was also responsible indirectly for Sirius's death constantly tormenting him about not being able to do his part. I hate Severus Snape and I hope Harry gets his revenge.

I just can't believe it. Dumbledore is actually gone. What's going to happen next? I can't bear to think of it all without him...

12-July

blahh heh ignore that last entry i was basically pulling my hair out of boredom heh. u know that i think too much when i'm bored. very bad habit. anyhoo this summer involved a lot of fiction reading. At first I read a lot of novels by South Asian authors. I read some Chitra Divakaruni novels and a wonderful book called The Hero's Walk by Anita Rau Badami. But most South Asian novels are so serious and depressing at times. I was getting bored and all the heavy reading got to me, so I started reading a lot of light chick lit. I read both Bridget Jones books and the Shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella. and some other chick lit like Is That a Moose IN Your Pocket?. All of them soo funny. I also started to read a few of the books my sister got from the book fair. light, middle-school age appropriate books. but I read them anyways. Very good. I don't think that such good books were there when I was in middle school. They all follow a variation of this formula: an underdog hero/heroine who learns about him/herself and finds his/her place in the world making lots of mistakes but trying their best. But I still liked them. They are good role models for kids that age. It makes you feel not so alone even if the character is only imaginary. Totally related to them. hehe. OK now the BIG KAHUNA!!!

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE THIS SATURDAY!

CANNOT WAIT!!!!

::big grin::

Going Psycho 6/30/05

I HATE summer. After having 2 whole fucking months of it, I remember how much I hate it. I am always in denial for at least the first month. Then start thinking crazy the second month and am absolute pyschopath the third. I left school happy that I don't have to study anymore that I get a break from the hectic schedule. Look forward to home-cooked meals and not stressing about doing anything. But I still HATE summer. Because I remember all over again how I don't fit in anywhere with anybody. I don't fit in with the dance class girls especially now because they don't come to dance anymore. Because I guess I am not that fun of a person to be around, I tend to go into this little cocoon. They are all so witty and fun and have a fabulous time; no need for me to go rain on their parade. And no no can't hang out with our old family friends because they're all overachievers that I can't even compare myself too. I mean all I can do is listen to all the wonderful things they do going abroad to Timbuktoo and having fabulous internships that will give them guaranteed jobs after they finish college. Ohh splendid. Oh moi? I barely have a 3.0 gpa and have sat on my ass for 2 months waiting for a job that I still can't start for 2 weeks!!!! So you think I should have some highschool friends who live in the same city. Oh wait I don't have any highschool friends. Except that one exchange student who moved back to Brazil. And the other friend who had an arranged marriage and teaches in South Korea (yes a white girl)!!!! And everybody else is too busy with jobs and all the fascinating stuff they do. I am terrible at keeping friends. I haven't really called anyone unless I need them to do something for me. And naturally nobody calls me- home friends that is. Isn't it pathetic that I can know someone since I was 2 years old or had played with them everyday for 2 years, but if they're in the neighborhood they don't call me. TWICE, it's happened. Kids I know from so long came to visit UVa and didn't call and tell me they were there. The answer is obvious. I lost touch with them and I must be some kind of freak that I am not worthy to be even notified to say a hello to them. That hurt so much. I feel trapped. Nowhere to go. This has been my life. I wake up late and turn on the TV/computer and just watch literally for 8 hours straight. I even got chick lit from the library so I don't have to read heavy, sad crap and can just read about the fabulous love lives of beautiful British women. After I watch all that TV, I read a little and go to sleep again. I am not good at calling people and arranging meetings to hang out because I either lost touch with them or when I do the phone conversation is so awkward. It's all my fault. Everything is. I should have called and hung out with people every day. I shouldn't be such a boring person. I should have made more friends in highschool. I should have I should have I should have. I can't go back in time, I can't change what people think of me. I HATE SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!

June 26, 2005: Post King's Dominion

Yesterday I went to King's Dominion. It was really great! I haven't gone on a rollercoaster since I went to Disneyworld which was 6 years ago. All the rollercoasters were excellent and this is coming from a girl who screamed like a baby on pretty much all of them. What have I been doing since then? How could I have not gone to a theme park in so long? Honestly, before this year we haven't taken a single vacation other than to visit family since we went to Disneyworld. It's called dance. Which practically took over our lives (our being me, mom, and sis). I mean there was definitely a rush in the beginning with the glamour and the people and the stage. Then definitely could not miss performing at the Kennedy Center last year. I can stand up straight and have reduced my klutz factor. But. Here comes the but.
It took over my life. I literally didn't do anything but that for 6 years!!! From 13 to 19. My entire teenagehood revolved around it. No wonder I have self-esteem issues. Now that I slowly broke free this year, I am at loss of what to do. Going to King's Dominion yesterday with my college friends was really fun and made me think about all the fun opportunities I didn't take because of dance. The other sad part is a whole group of girls that also danced with me (but are wayyy better than me and started a while before me) think the same thing, that they want to experience other parts of life. So currently at dance class, there is a big gaping hole in the support department. There isn't any more strong dancers to take over the class simply because they might be slightly sick of it. They say that the structure has changed, but they have changed too.
My interests have never really been the same as the other dancing girls. I really enjoyed discussing what was going on in the world and reading books and just other stuff, when a majority of them just loved to dance. They have done a gajillion performances practicing the night before. I have done some of them too. They have been supremely sweet and are so fun to be around. I know I can have fun with them. Senior year of highschool I started to finally feel like a part of them. But then I went away to college and everything changed. Now I have drifted even farther from them. The truth is I could never be like the other girls, they are so glamourous and look even more stunning every time. It might not actually be wearing the right makeup. It's their confidence and such positive view of themselves. It's not really their fault they look amazing and I feel self-conscious about my own appearance and self. I complain about the girls and say they exclude me and say they're high maintenance. But it's all a cover for my jealousy and how unconfident I feel. I don't ever feel like I deserve to be a part of them.
So, if one of the dancing girls ever reads this (which I highly doubt), they should know that I don't want pity because it's not really their fault, it's my own. I'm just blabbing and reading this post over, it doesn't really make sense. Basically, I'm jealous and I need to get over it.

Current Mood recovering from anger
Current Music Salt N Pepa "Here I Go"
Currently Reading Queen of Dreams by Chitra Divakaruni

I have been a couch potato pretty much since the moment I got back from school. Especially even more since my summer job is pretty much guaranteed; just going through the security clearance now. I even skipped the last two dance classes because my uncle came to visit one weekend and we went to NC the other.
So we finally went to dance today and got a decent much-needed workout. It was an unusually small class, not everybody came and I wonder why, but that's a whole another story. It was so exruciatingly HOT outside when we left that I couldn't touch metal without getting burnt. But I wore my seatbelt anyway because I care about my own safety and my Civic makes an annoying beeping sound if I don't. That is a pet peeve of mine -wearing your seatbelt. Someone very close to me tends to forget to wear hers and I feel like I repeatedly have to tell her to wear it. After reminding a thousand times, a person tends to get irritated, but I only tell her because I care about her safety and would never forgive myself if something bad happened. I am a pretty good driver, but I can't account for the rest of the world's driving skills so please buckle up. I often read about or hear on TV or the radio of some horrific car accident. The simple wearing of a belt could make the difference between life and death. I have family friends who went through a drastic life change because of an unfortunate accident and not wearing a seatbelt. I might be a teenager, but I know I'm not immune to harm. In fact, I'm pretty damn lucky for never getting into a major accident. If for some reason I do, I want to be prepared, so don't get mad if I expect you to wear your seatbelt; it's only because I care not because I like to be annoying.
Don't wait to learn to wear seatbelts "the hard way"

Ugly Statistic:

The Facts:
* Traffic crashes are the leading cause of workplace deaths, accounting for
1,347 (23.5 percent) of civilian worker deaths in 2000, according to the
National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health. More than half of these
victims were not wearing seat belts at the time of the crash. [13]

* Only 75 percent of drivers wear seatbelts. In fatal crashes, 30 percent
of occupants not wearing seatbelts are ejected from the car and 73 percent of
them are killed. But only 1 percent of occupants wearing seatbelts are ejected
in crashes. [11, 14]

*Most seat belt laws apply only to front-seat passengers. However, when
back-seat passengers don’t use seat belts, they not only endanger themselves but
can increase risk of death or injury to front seat passengers by 20 percent.
Teenagers have especially high crash risk but low seat belt use. [15]

(Cars,
Safety and flying... some potent statistics)

This blogger put up some scary statistics he or she read and if you still don't believe contact information and other resources. Please please please don't take chances on your life. Yes each person is entitled to taking some risks, but being reckless and endangering your life... I don't want to read your obituary in the paper or hear about you in critical condition in ICU. I couldn't take it :-(.