June 26, 2005: Post King's Dominion

Yesterday I went to King's Dominion. It was really great! I haven't gone on a rollercoaster since I went to Disneyworld which was 6 years ago. All the rollercoasters were excellent and this is coming from a girl who screamed like a baby on pretty much all of them. What have I been doing since then? How could I have not gone to a theme park in so long? Honestly, before this year we haven't taken a single vacation other than to visit family since we went to Disneyworld. It's called dance. Which practically took over our lives (our being me, mom, and sis). I mean there was definitely a rush in the beginning with the glamour and the people and the stage. Then definitely could not miss performing at the Kennedy Center last year. I can stand up straight and have reduced my klutz factor. But. Here comes the but.
It took over my life. I literally didn't do anything but that for 6 years!!! From 13 to 19. My entire teenagehood revolved around it. No wonder I have self-esteem issues. Now that I slowly broke free this year, I am at loss of what to do. Going to King's Dominion yesterday with my college friends was really fun and made me think about all the fun opportunities I didn't take because of dance. The other sad part is a whole group of girls that also danced with me (but are wayyy better than me and started a while before me) think the same thing, that they want to experience other parts of life. So currently at dance class, there is a big gaping hole in the support department. There isn't any more strong dancers to take over the class simply because they might be slightly sick of it. They say that the structure has changed, but they have changed too.
My interests have never really been the same as the other dancing girls. I really enjoyed discussing what was going on in the world and reading books and just other stuff, when a majority of them just loved to dance. They have done a gajillion performances practicing the night before. I have done some of them too. They have been supremely sweet and are so fun to be around. I know I can have fun with them. Senior year of highschool I started to finally feel like a part of them. But then I went away to college and everything changed. Now I have drifted even farther from them. The truth is I could never be like the other girls, they are so glamourous and look even more stunning every time. It might not actually be wearing the right makeup. It's their confidence and such positive view of themselves. It's not really their fault they look amazing and I feel self-conscious about my own appearance and self. I complain about the girls and say they exclude me and say they're high maintenance. But it's all a cover for my jealousy and how unconfident I feel. I don't ever feel like I deserve to be a part of them.
So, if one of the dancing girls ever reads this (which I highly doubt), they should know that I don't want pity because it's not really their fault, it's my own. I'm just blabbing and reading this post over, it doesn't really make sense. Basically, I'm jealous and I need to get over it.