Going Psycho 6/30/05

I HATE summer. After having 2 whole fucking months of it, I remember how much I hate it. I am always in denial for at least the first month. Then start thinking crazy the second month and am absolute pyschopath the third. I left school happy that I don't have to study anymore that I get a break from the hectic schedule. Look forward to home-cooked meals and not stressing about doing anything. But I still HATE summer. Because I remember all over again how I don't fit in anywhere with anybody. I don't fit in with the dance class girls especially now because they don't come to dance anymore. Because I guess I am not that fun of a person to be around, I tend to go into this little cocoon. They are all so witty and fun and have a fabulous time; no need for me to go rain on their parade. And no no can't hang out with our old family friends because they're all overachievers that I can't even compare myself too. I mean all I can do is listen to all the wonderful things they do going abroad to Timbuktoo and having fabulous internships that will give them guaranteed jobs after they finish college. Ohh splendid. Oh moi? I barely have a 3.0 gpa and have sat on my ass for 2 months waiting for a job that I still can't start for 2 weeks!!!! So you think I should have some highschool friends who live in the same city. Oh wait I don't have any highschool friends. Except that one exchange student who moved back to Brazil. And the other friend who had an arranged marriage and teaches in South Korea (yes a white girl)!!!! And everybody else is too busy with jobs and all the fascinating stuff they do. I am terrible at keeping friends. I haven't really called anyone unless I need them to do something for me. And naturally nobody calls me- home friends that is. Isn't it pathetic that I can know someone since I was 2 years old or had played with them everyday for 2 years, but if they're in the neighborhood they don't call me. TWICE, it's happened. Kids I know from so long came to visit UVa and didn't call and tell me they were there. The answer is obvious. I lost touch with them and I must be some kind of freak that I am not worthy to be even notified to say a hello to them. That hurt so much. I feel trapped. Nowhere to go. This has been my life. I wake up late and turn on the TV/computer and just watch literally for 8 hours straight. I even got chick lit from the library so I don't have to read heavy, sad crap and can just read about the fabulous love lives of beautiful British women. After I watch all that TV, I read a little and go to sleep again. I am not good at calling people and arranging meetings to hang out because I either lost touch with them or when I do the phone conversation is so awkward. It's all my fault. Everything is. I should have called and hung out with people every day. I shouldn't be such a boring person. I should have made more friends in highschool. I should have I should have I should have. I can't go back in time, I can't change what people think of me. I HATE SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!