Going Psycho 6/30/05

I HATE summer. After having 2 whole fucking months of it, I remember how much I hate it. I am always in denial for at least the first month. Then start thinking crazy the second month and am absolute pyschopath the third. I left school happy that I don't have to study anymore that I get a break from the hectic schedule. Look forward to home-cooked meals and not stressing about doing anything. But I still HATE summer. Because I remember all over again how I don't fit in anywhere with anybody. I don't fit in with the dance class girls especially now because they don't come to dance anymore. Because I guess I am not that fun of a person to be around, I tend to go into this little cocoon. They are all so witty and fun and have a fabulous time; no need for me to go rain on their parade. And no no can't hang out with our old family friends because they're all overachievers that I can't even compare myself too. I mean all I can do is listen to all the wonderful things they do going abroad to Timbuktoo and having fabulous internships that will give them guaranteed jobs after they finish college. Ohh splendid. Oh moi? I barely have a 3.0 gpa and have sat on my ass for 2 months waiting for a job that I still can't start for 2 weeks!!!! So you think I should have some highschool friends who live in the same city. Oh wait I don't have any highschool friends. Except that one exchange student who moved back to Brazil. And the other friend who had an arranged marriage and teaches in South Korea (yes a white girl)!!!! And everybody else is too busy with jobs and all the fascinating stuff they do. I am terrible at keeping friends. I haven't really called anyone unless I need them to do something for me. And naturally nobody calls me- home friends that is. Isn't it pathetic that I can know someone since I was 2 years old or had played with them everyday for 2 years, but if they're in the neighborhood they don't call me. TWICE, it's happened. Kids I know from so long came to visit UVa and didn't call and tell me they were there. The answer is obvious. I lost touch with them and I must be some kind of freak that I am not worthy to be even notified to say a hello to them. That hurt so much. I feel trapped. Nowhere to go. This has been my life. I wake up late and turn on the TV/computer and just watch literally for 8 hours straight. I even got chick lit from the library so I don't have to read heavy, sad crap and can just read about the fabulous love lives of beautiful British women. After I watch all that TV, I read a little and go to sleep again. I am not good at calling people and arranging meetings to hang out because I either lost touch with them or when I do the phone conversation is so awkward. It's all my fault. Everything is. I should have called and hung out with people every day. I shouldn't be such a boring person. I should have made more friends in highschool. I should have I should have I should have. I can't go back in time, I can't change what people think of me. I HATE SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!

June 26, 2005: Post King's Dominion

Yesterday I went to King's Dominion. It was really great! I haven't gone on a rollercoaster since I went to Disneyworld which was 6 years ago. All the rollercoasters were excellent and this is coming from a girl who screamed like a baby on pretty much all of them. What have I been doing since then? How could I have not gone to a theme park in so long? Honestly, before this year we haven't taken a single vacation other than to visit family since we went to Disneyworld. It's called dance. Which practically took over our lives (our being me, mom, and sis). I mean there was definitely a rush in the beginning with the glamour and the people and the stage. Then definitely could not miss performing at the Kennedy Center last year. I can stand up straight and have reduced my klutz factor. But. Here comes the but.
It took over my life. I literally didn't do anything but that for 6 years!!! From 13 to 19. My entire teenagehood revolved around it. No wonder I have self-esteem issues. Now that I slowly broke free this year, I am at loss of what to do. Going to King's Dominion yesterday with my college friends was really fun and made me think about all the fun opportunities I didn't take because of dance. The other sad part is a whole group of girls that also danced with me (but are wayyy better than me and started a while before me) think the same thing, that they want to experience other parts of life. So currently at dance class, there is a big gaping hole in the support department. There isn't any more strong dancers to take over the class simply because they might be slightly sick of it. They say that the structure has changed, but they have changed too.
My interests have never really been the same as the other dancing girls. I really enjoyed discussing what was going on in the world and reading books and just other stuff, when a majority of them just loved to dance. They have done a gajillion performances practicing the night before. I have done some of them too. They have been supremely sweet and are so fun to be around. I know I can have fun with them. Senior year of highschool I started to finally feel like a part of them. But then I went away to college and everything changed. Now I have drifted even farther from them. The truth is I could never be like the other girls, they are so glamourous and look even more stunning every time. It might not actually be wearing the right makeup. It's their confidence and such positive view of themselves. It's not really their fault they look amazing and I feel self-conscious about my own appearance and self. I complain about the girls and say they exclude me and say they're high maintenance. But it's all a cover for my jealousy and how unconfident I feel. I don't ever feel like I deserve to be a part of them.
So, if one of the dancing girls ever reads this (which I highly doubt), they should know that I don't want pity because it's not really their fault, it's my own. I'm just blabbing and reading this post over, it doesn't really make sense. Basically, I'm jealous and I need to get over it.

Current Mood recovering from anger
Current Music Salt N Pepa "Here I Go"
Currently Reading Queen of Dreams by Chitra Divakaruni

I have been a couch potato pretty much since the moment I got back from school. Especially even more since my summer job is pretty much guaranteed; just going through the security clearance now. I even skipped the last two dance classes because my uncle came to visit one weekend and we went to NC the other.
So we finally went to dance today and got a decent much-needed workout. It was an unusually small class, not everybody came and I wonder why, but that's a whole another story. It was so exruciatingly HOT outside when we left that I couldn't touch metal without getting burnt. But I wore my seatbelt anyway because I care about my own safety and my Civic makes an annoying beeping sound if I don't. That is a pet peeve of mine -wearing your seatbelt. Someone very close to me tends to forget to wear hers and I feel like I repeatedly have to tell her to wear it. After reminding a thousand times, a person tends to get irritated, but I only tell her because I care about her safety and would never forgive myself if something bad happened. I am a pretty good driver, but I can't account for the rest of the world's driving skills so please buckle up. I often read about or hear on TV or the radio of some horrific car accident. The simple wearing of a belt could make the difference between life and death. I have family friends who went through a drastic life change because of an unfortunate accident and not wearing a seatbelt. I might be a teenager, but I know I'm not immune to harm. In fact, I'm pretty damn lucky for never getting into a major accident. If for some reason I do, I want to be prepared, so don't get mad if I expect you to wear your seatbelt; it's only because I care not because I like to be annoying.
Don't wait to learn to wear seatbelts "the hard way"

Ugly Statistic:

The Facts:
* Traffic crashes are the leading cause of workplace deaths, accounting for
1,347 (23.5 percent) of civilian worker deaths in 2000, according to the
National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health. More than half of these
victims were not wearing seat belts at the time of the crash. [13]

* Only 75 percent of drivers wear seatbelts. In fatal crashes, 30 percent
of occupants not wearing seatbelts are ejected from the car and 73 percent of
them are killed. But only 1 percent of occupants wearing seatbelts are ejected
in crashes. [11, 14]

*Most seat belt laws apply only to front-seat passengers. However, when
back-seat passengers don’t use seat belts, they not only endanger themselves but
can increase risk of death or injury to front seat passengers by 20 percent.
Teenagers have especially high crash risk but low seat belt use. [15]

(Cars,
Safety and flying... some potent statistics)

This blogger put up some scary statistics he or she read and if you still don't believe contact information and other resources. Please please please don't take chances on your life. Yes each person is entitled to taking some risks, but being reckless and endangering your life... I don't want to read your obituary in the paper or hear about you in critical condition in ICU. I couldn't take it :-(.