March 20, 2006 - still wrong

still say the wrong things. what's new? i just seriously need to shut up.

March 15, 2005 - Not good with titles

All my entries are self-bashing because well that's pretty much how I feel currently. So if you don't like them, don't read them. I like to whine and wallow in self-pity because when I actually try to do something to get out of the depressing state, something else usually happens to come tumbling back down.

I know I have it good. Not many people have the opportunity to study at this University. Hell, not many people go to college or even finish grade school. I am lucky that I have a loving family, food to eat, and a place to live. Many people in this world don't have those things I know. But, somehow I don't know why I feel pathetic and worthless. I try really hard to think how lucky I am, but I still don't feel good about myself. It's all about being happy with how things are going and well I am not.

I'm barely passing college. I have no motivation. You would think trying to study harder to get better grades is good enough motivation, but it isn't. I really don't care anymore. I don't say things right- people interpret them wrong and naturally I get in trouble for it. I have many, many character flaws. Right now, I cannot think of anything good or something I like about myself. Let me try.

...

Nope. Nothing. The environment and the external stuff are good. It's the internal stuff that's fucked up. I don't know how to fix that. Unless. Somehow I can go back in time and erase the past, and redo it properly with the knowledge of what I did wrong. That is not going to happen. I just feel miserable.