may 22, 2006 - to do this summer

watch lots of good movies and read lots of good books.

any recommendations? interested in all genres.

currently reading
White Teeth by Zadie Smith
Stiff by Mary Roach
[both are really good!! reviews coming soon]

watched
Badra Telugu film with Ravi Teja and Meera Jasmine. It wasn't bad actually, the jokes were entertaining. The fighting/violence was just showy for the audience. The film could have been as good with it toned down.

going to watch
Chukkalo Chandrudu with Siddharth (:-* mwah). hope it's good.

------

started work already. might go to India this summer. last weekend went to an air show in Andrews Air Force Base in MD. that was cool. this coming weekend going to NJ to HSC National Conference. hopefully get to see my family and have a good time.

i bet you're curious how grades went this semester. good news is i didn't do any worse. i did exactly the same. only 2 C's. that is an improvement. hopefully next year my grades will be even better. aiming for a 3.0 to graduate.

May 9, 2006- umm i'm strange

Wow. Reading what I wrote previously, I'm annoyed by it. All I have done is just whine and complain. That's shameless. I hope to get over myself someday. By complaining, nothing is happening. It's unfortunate that this kid and I are not the friends we once were, but that is the way the boat floats. But I have to try if I want to be his friend so badly. 2 more exams left. Then it's the official end of third year. Only one more year of college. scary and exciting. where did the time go?

May 4, 2006- Going Crazy

I think I 'm going mentally insane. I have 5 in-class 3 hour exams starting on Saturday. Egads. All I can do is go surf the internet and listen to music with studying in between. The unfortunate thing is I must ace all 5 in order to get decent grades in the classes. I don't understand my lack of motivation. I'm trying really. I went to the library, the entire freakin University is there, thus there isn't anymore space. The irony of all this you see is that I did nothing fun this semester- I didn't go to any parties or hang out with old friends. I stayed home and studied and went on facebook (evil time waster) and became jealous of all the people who did stuff by looking at their fun pictures. I guess that's what I get for taking four history classes and changing my major.

I am really good at losing friends. There was this one friend last year; he and I were best buddies. Then this year, he is like a stranger. It's wierd. The wierd part is the pessimism in me told me that we weren't going to be friends this year, I knew it. Once he wasn't a part of the Hindu Students Council anymore, how could we be friends? We lost the common interest. And also he got back together with his girlfriend and they're probably going to get married. They spend all their time together. What's unfortunate is she lives in the building right next to us and not once does he come visit. He came in the beginning but only b/c he wanted to borrow my textbook. But what is most annoying is I am constantly reminded of him. We used to trade music a lot and the songs he sent me are on my computer and when I put a random playlist, there they are. It's not that I had a crush on him. God no. Ok maybe a little, in the beginning. But we were like best friends like siblings we told each other stuff. Then I don't know what happened. I tried to have the same relationship as before, but something changed. He became a jerk. To me at least. Maybe he was one all along. Maybe that's partially why I've been kind of sad all year. I feel like I lost a good friend and it's somehow my fault = (. Believe me, he isn't making it easy to talk to him either. He tells other people that he thinks I'm mad at him. That confuses me. It also reminds me of something I do myself. It's a way of pushing people out of your life. So, dear person, do not worry if you wish that I should no longer be your friend and should not interfere in your life. Wish you well.

April 25, 2006 - Yeesh. Stressed.

Stressed. Stressed. Stressed.
I procrastinated on two papers that are due on Friday. One is total crap, and the other I haven't written yet. I guess I deserve a bad grade for procrastinating.

Then to add on top of this last week, there was this offensive cartoon on Hinduism that I didn't take seriously b/c it was dumb and didn't make sense anyway. But anyway it initiated this whole uproar against the University newspaper for printing mean stuff which it has been doing pretty regularly. Well you know how I am President or whatever this year? Well yeah to be honest I don't care but the rest of the officers care a lot. So I keep screwing up the message and that whole issue is also stressing me out.

Now I think this one person really dislikes me and she didn't before. I am getting bad vibes from her. I just wanna go home :-(. But I can't I have to write three mediocre papers. I think that is what causes my self-esteem to suffer the most, the fact that my school work has become mediocre and I'll settle for C's.

I finally got an A on a paper, my very first A on a paper at this University. It shocked me. I didn't know it was possible. So, I wanted to continue the good work, but I procrastinated and am suffering from lack of motivation. I am so sick of school. Blahhhhhh, I need to dump. I make mistakes all the time, I just wish others didn't suffer from the consequences. If my mistakes just affected me that would be great, but I really am stressed that my mistakes cause other people to think poorly of someone else. That's why I seriously need to keep my mouth shut. I must really look dumb. damnit.

March 20, 2006 - still wrong

still say the wrong things. what's new? i just seriously need to shut up.

March 15, 2005 - Not good with titles

All my entries are self-bashing because well that's pretty much how I feel currently. So if you don't like them, don't read them. I like to whine and wallow in self-pity because when I actually try to do something to get out of the depressing state, something else usually happens to come tumbling back down.

I know I have it good. Not many people have the opportunity to study at this University. Hell, not many people go to college or even finish grade school. I am lucky that I have a loving family, food to eat, and a place to live. Many people in this world don't have those things I know. But, somehow I don't know why I feel pathetic and worthless. I try really hard to think how lucky I am, but I still don't feel good about myself. It's all about being happy with how things are going and well I am not.

I'm barely passing college. I have no motivation. You would think trying to study harder to get better grades is good enough motivation, but it isn't. I really don't care anymore. I don't say things right- people interpret them wrong and naturally I get in trouble for it. I have many, many character flaws. Right now, I cannot think of anything good or something I like about myself. Let me try.

...

Nope. Nothing. The environment and the external stuff are good. It's the internal stuff that's fucked up. I don't know how to fix that. Unless. Somehow I can go back in time and erase the past, and redo it properly with the knowledge of what I did wrong. That is not going to happen. I just feel miserable.

February 27, 2006: Wrong yet again

Guess what? I was wrong. What's new? I thought I did everything pretty well. I secretly thought that Ha! if I'm not there they can't function. I was wrong. turns out they don't need me. that sucks. in fact apparently according to my roommate, I shoot down people's ideas and don't give them a chance. ok i took that to heart didn't realize that people could take it that way. so i give a big responsibility to someone to prove that i do trust that person. then the very roommate says I didn't assure that person that she was doing it right... WTF?? does she want me to hold that person's hand?? The girl has been to 5 of the exact same things, if she doesn't get it by now, o dear. What does she want from me??? It's my job, I'm the boss, so stop telling me what the fuck to do.

February 17, 2006 - Undermining

Never be in an organization with your good friends. Of course you should be courteous and get along with the other officers, but never become really good friends. Because it makes it complicated when they undermine your authority. I am the leader of an organization and they may not acknowledge or unfortunately don't realize it, but I me Sruti do most of the dirty behind-the-scenes work. It is frustrating when they undermine my authority at meetings. When I am going down my agenda, certain people jump in about something that I was going to get to but they didn't give me a chance. I told them this "Yes that is important and I was going to get to that, but wait we need to resolve this other stuff first". They gave me an angry tone of voice/look after that. But I am the leader and they just have to respect that. The only problem is how do I word it delicately without someone getting upset? argh.

I am a modest person. I don't like talking about my accomplishments sometimes because it sounds like I'm bragging or something. The way I talk sometimes is kind of self-deprecating.. But I guess I should brag a little because otherwise people don't seem to respect me, even my friends.

It's kind of annoying when people think they can do a better job than you at something when you have seen them do it before and they did a shoddy job. For example, we had a religious ceremony and an alumni came and helped us perform it. Now, someone else organized it (of course on my coaxing and giving all the contact info) and by the way did a crappy job. Because at the event itself I was racing around making sure all the materials were there. And 10 minutes before to my unbelieving eyes, they are sorting all the papers to pass out!! I wanted to see what this person's capabilities were and needless-to-say I was kind of disappointed.

Also, I am a co-leader (supposedly) but I do most of the work!!!! And why does my co-president refuse to see it??? argh argh argh.

February 10, 2006: Winter Season

Winter is a busy time for my family. Lots of holidays. In September, it's my mom's birthday. Then both my cousins at the end of Sept and in Oct. Then Diwali, then Thanksgiving, then Xmas, then New Year's Day, then my birthday, then my sister's, then my parents' anniversary, and concludes with my dad's birthday. phew. lots of gifts. so that's why i think i enjoy these past few months more:-). Then there is a biiiig gap until the cycle starts once again! Lots of gift-givings and gift-gettings and celebrations. good times.

acknowledgement to previous post:
i'm overdramatic. as long as i be myself and make the most of out every day, i won't be misleading. i'll just be me.

January 28, 2006 - Misleading

Sometimes I think I am misleading. I use technology as a cover. In this particular instance, I mean Instant Messaging like AIM, Yahoo, MSN, etc. I don't mean to.

In person, I am a crazy chatterbox especially to longtime friends and my family. However, I am not like that with new people or people I have know for a short time or just people that I cannot open up to. They tend to think I am a quiet, shy person. So there are my two personalities.

I clam up like that because in physical presence, I feel awkward about the way I look, the way I move. Through instant messaging there is this cover, they don't ever have to see how I look or watch my movements. So because I can succesfully hide, I talk freely and I am myself.

But that's where I become misleading. Because when I meet these people at a party or on campus, I am extremely quiet and shy because I am so self-conscious. It must be confusing because I am so interesting online and quite dull in person. Even my roommates made the comment that it was fun to talk to me online (before we lived together). I don't know if that implies I am not as fun in person, but I get the idea that it does.

January 6, 2006- a sad day

this morning i was being my lazy self and was going to sleep in again.
but my mom came in at around 8 am and told me shocking and sad news. one of our dance friends, thushara, her dad died last night from a heart attack. no one was expecting it. he was too young, too healthy. we drove over to their house to i guess be there for them. but what can one do when someone is mourning. it's numbing.
her dad was a really sweet and friendly person. he loved his family and cared so much about everyone. may he rest in peace.

January 2, 2006 - End

What an interesting year. Not necessarily good or bad, I could say the 19th year of my life was one of indifference.
However it did end on a positive note. My parents got a sudden urge to make up for 5 years of lost vacations due to ahem dance programs *cough*, so we went to sunny California with fabulous palm trees:-).
It's quite a lovely story. In short we went to Las Vegas, Los Angeles, and San Francisco.

For a longer more detailed version read on.
We left on Tuesday Dec 20 around 9 pm. Not any major problems except one whiny little kid who cried a lot on the flight. We got there around midnight LA time. All the baggage showed up except mine. The airlines representative said simply that security must not have liked the bag, so they didn't send it along. uhhhh ok. but we got it the next day, so it was ok.
We went to my uncle's house in Brea, CA. I have not seen this uncle in 13 years, I've never seen his wife or his kids. It was like 70 degrees there! Couldn't believe it was the middle of December. We visited my cousin's elementary school. It was so different from the ones around here. Their classroom doors open to the outside and we just waltzed in. There was no front office check-in and getting a visitor sticker. [I have just been informed that since it was a party day, they were waiving this process, so scratch that hehe]

Then we went to Las Vegas. It took 6 hours instead of 3 because we hit a lot of traffic. We moaned and groaned in the car ride, but it was definitely worth it. Las Vegas is amazing! One cannot put it into words. Where else in the world would you find a city of lights in the middle of the desert that consists of many hotels where you just gamble? Unfortunately, I couldn't gamble as still not 21 :-/. But the hotels, frickin awesome!! Everyone should go once in their life and at least see the Bellagio fountains and inside all the hotels . Beeyootiful:-).

Then we went back to Brea and visited in Chino Hills one of my dad's old friends from Telco. He had a daughter my age that the last time I saw I think I was three. We talked and we are so similar! It was cool:-). On Christmas day, we drove to LA and walked on Hollywood Boulevard. I took a picture with Zorro (for you Sharmeen)!

My aunt and uncle (mom's cousin) in Brea have a daughter who apparently is my 'clone' and a 2 year old son who must have powerful lungs since he is an excellent screamer hehe. Then we went to Universal Studios! That was coool, I loved seeing the Studio tour where they shot all these famous movies and how they do special effects! It rocked:-).

Then we flew to San Francisco and drove to Santa Clara, where my main-mama (hehe mom's own brother) lives with his wife and adorable 1.5 years old daughter. She talks soo much and just everything she did was cute:-). We saw the Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman's wharf, China Town, Lombard Street (literally crooked!), The Mystery Spot, and the Mystery House (in San Jose). The streets of San Francisco are scary...all those hills!

For this trip, I would like to thank the portable GPS system that my dad bought for saving us from getting completely lost. There were certain things that I will point out later about this trip, that stand out in my mind.

Another note, I read Life of Pi and it was really really good. An interesting perspective that I'll talk more about later.

November 16, 2005 - Wassup with that?

What is the complete and utter fascination with football? Why is it amusing to watch something for four hours straight where a bunch of people who get paid too much for tackling each other?
Why is it a big deal not to go to the so-called "big game"?

Also, why on earth are people so good at making me feel guilty for not going? gah.

I don't particularly enjoy football. Now, don't think I don't admire athletes. Sports is a good motivation for people to stay healthy. And there are really great scholarship opportunities. And athletes really learn time management and responsibility. But why is football so much more important then say-I don't know- the freakin future of the United States?? If people cared as much about football as last year's Presidential race, who knows what would have happened?

Argh.

November 3, 2005- Day I couldn't think of a title

First a note: I memorized the entire To Be or Not to Be soliloquoy for my Shakespeare class. Hopefully, I can remember it for a long time.

Also I did it. I changed my major. I'm a History major now. I feel better that now it is official. I am excited and scared at the same time though. I think it will be good for me though, I like learning about other cultures and people from the past who made a big impact on today's world. And also a chance to improve writing skills. My math skills are perfectly fine. College is supposed to be a time for learning new things and I want to learn how to write well. Hopefully through the History major I can accomplish that.

Things are looking up a little bit. Sometime in my grade panicking, I forgot to take a step back and realize that teachers are people. If you tell them about your concerns, they actually care. They don't want you to fail. They just want you to try your best. So with that note, I might actually have a chance of passing those aforementioned classes.

I finally get to go home. It's been a month since the last time! My sister is doing a cooool dance to some jammin Telugu songs for the annual Diwali party:-). I got a little part too. Unfortunately, I will be learning it tomorrow night. But luckily, I have my handy dandy dance memorization skills.

HAPPY DIWALI AND EID MUBARAK!!

October 29, 2005 - To Be or Not To Be

To be or not to be; that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep-
No more, and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to- 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life,
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of disprized love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would these fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pit and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. Soft you, now,
The fair Ophelia- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

-Hamlet III.i. 58-92

He says it all.

October 21, 2005: Bad Karma

I think someone once said the best life to live is one with no regrets. Be positive that every decision that you made is some stepping stone to where you will end up in life; it's part of your destiny. etcetera.

bullshit.

i pretty much regret my whole college experience. I'm pretty sure I haven't really made an impact on anyone. I should have gone to GMU, saved my family a bundle of money because I also had gotten a scholarship. I could have double majored in Graphic Design & Communications. I could actually be happy instead of confused as hell.

I should have known from the moment I got into UVa. Everything that I expected and hoped for didn't happen. That's why I LIVE by Jonathan Swift's quote: "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."

The very first thing that went wrong is I got the worst housing possible. I didn't get the first year dorms, I will never ever say that I had the first year experience. Because I lived so far away, I made no close friendships. For the first time in my life, I took to just being alone as my only option. I never counted on anyone. It was definitely an enlightening experience.

I was looking forward to being on the dance team soooo much; Neha hyped me up for it. But I didn't make Sharaara (the dance team). That was embarassing and they made it tenfolds worse by sending me this rejection letter that told me everything I did wrong!!!

I didn't get to participate in India Day. However, I did get to dance at Kennedy Center. So that one's ok.

Blehhhhh...don't know anymore....

P.S. Don't be alarmed. The point of this is to complain. If I was too busy being happy why the heck would I write in this?

October 16, 2005- One Big Question Mark

My current major:
Financial Math

Intended major as of Spring 2005:
Financial Math with French Minor

Reason for changing major:
Don't want to sit at a desk looking at compiling 5000 statistics to make a financial model trying to predict the market. I think I would cry or die of complete boredom. But I still like Math.

Future Options with classes already taken:
Basic Math Concentration with French Minor
Double Major Basic Math Concentration and French
History Major South Asian concentration with Math minor
" " " " " with French minor
Religious Studies Hinduism/Buddhism concentration " Math or French Minor
Economics??

Ridiculously Optimistic Option:
Basic Math and French double major with History minor (or some mutilated form of that)

Yikes. Shoot me now.

October 11, 2005 Failing

I'm failing my two math classes. Not Indian failing (means a B or C). Failing failing like an F.

This is bad.

I don't want to be a math major anymore. I reached my math limit (literally). I only like Calculus and Differential Equations. Everything beyond that sucks. At least I know what I want to change it to. It has to be French because it's the only other program I have pursued as much as Math. How pathetic have I become that I'm just trying to pass out of college. College sucks. Life sucks.

::whimper::

The problem with the French major is it isn't "practical". What kind of job can I get with that? I know that I think I want to be an elementary school teacher, guidance counselor, web design, or graphic design. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

September 16, 2005- Inspecteur Maigret

Bonjour tout le monde!
This semester I'm taking French 345: Culture and Society. It's just my luck that we are reading mysteries :-). Who knew there was this whole mystery series that I was totally oblivious of?? They are all written by a French author Georges Simenon. We have just finished reading Le Chien Jaune. It was quite good. Proud of myself that I guessed who le coupable was. Can't wait to read the rest of his novels! Simenon has quite an interesting life and writing style. Prior to starting the novel, we read some of his short stories and articles. They were simple stories nonetheless there is an element of realism to them. They aren't hard to believe. Probably that's why he is very popular and well-read. Being the book person I am I'm glad that I stumbled across his writings:-).

September 2, 2005- The Red Tent

Hmmm...1.5 weeks since classes started. Going alright, as usual days going fast. But you see I came early because I had to get advisor training. None of my roomies were here so I had the whole apartment to myself. I borrowed an "International Bestseller" The Red Tent and ooooh couldn't put it down. What a dramatic twist in the second half. Totally unexpected. From a big, happy family to one person...estranged. I don't get it one stupid mistake and you're never supposed to talk to them again. Stupid traditions and only marrying within your race, culture, etc... I definitely recommend it though. Makes you think.

On a totally different note, I watched the 40 year-old virgin. Oh dear. Funny but as usual crude funny. feel good though that he married and was clean. perhaps he can be an inspiration:-P.